Eat - Play and Love...NOT PRAY!

Okay I changed it. It was EAT PRAY LOVE...but I got the praying down pat! I am not searching for GOD. I know HIM and I know HE knows me. What a peaceful and restful feeling to know! I am most grateful for that. Thank you Jesus.

So now EAT - eat what. I do not want to gain ten pounds like JR supposedly did in the movie. But I can try different foods. YUM! But where? With whom? I need a eating buddy.
It seems I am searching for something. Is it me? Who am I now? I use to be a wife. I use to be comforted in the fact that my husband loved me and knew everything about me. He took such good care of me...spiritually, mentally and physically. He cared about every area of my life. My children, my family. He loved them.
He appreciated them. I miss him so..He is gone.

Now what?

What do I do?

Who am I?

Where do I go from here?

I looked at a few dating sites. Have these men forgotten about grooming?
My daughter says do not sign up you are not desperate. No, I am not desperate. I know that. But something is missing.
I would love to have a running buddy without the kissing and stuff. How do you find that?
I am 62. That seems so old. YIKES! 62. But I do not feel old. I look at my girldfriends that are single and most are younger. I feel their age. 55 or 56!
I wonder what does people see when they look at me? Do they see a silly old woman on the prowl? I am not on the prowl.

So I asked God today, without conditions from me...what is it that you would have me do the rest of my life? Where is it YOU want me? Is it being single? I am really not interested in being married again. Not really.
I am such a flirt and sometimes I can look back and see how Justin calmed me down when we met.
Is this anxiousness?
I am faithfully going to the gym, eating right and resting good. Those are the three things my pastor told me to do when Justin first died.
I am surrounded by a wonderful group of Christian friends, gym friends and neighbors that love me and only want what is best for me...that is a wonderful feeling.

I have a five day bike riding trip planned for the fall and I am really pushing to get in shape for that and love it. Going to Vermont for the "Three Rivers Bike Tour". How exciting for me! ...then oh no! see, I am already thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, seasons....without Justin who loved those times of year much more than I ever did. I need to do different things...but now what?

Make a list. A lists of new and different things...new standards for a dating life.
Family is still here, include them. Make a lists of activites that I can do to help someone else. Okay that sounds good. I will go make my lists and if you can think of any things to add to my lists then please do so...right here.

Going back

Next week I will go to see my precious mama. She is a wonderful strong woman even at 83 years old.

We never had it easy growing up but my mama is a very strong woman who loves her four daughters very much. I know without at doubt my mama loves me. Blessings. So many blessings.

She not only told me about the love of God and what He did for me but she also showed me the love for God in her actions and attitudes toward others. So I am very fortunate to have experienced the love of God and the love for God through my mama.

She is definitively the Proverbs 31 woman. That is the type of woman I want to be.

She is funny and very smart. I am excited about seeing her and spending the day with her.

I will also go to see Justin's grave. I have to see the marker yet. He is buried in Canton, GA. I am sad to think about going but I feel I must. It is time.
If it was not for seeing my mama and daughter and my precious grandson I wonder if I would go back.

What makes some people think that because you have had a lot of material things that defines who you are? I'm just asking? Do you have the answer?

Also, what makes people judge you and think that unless you can have a lot of material things you can't be happy?

Happiness is not what you have. It is who you are with...material things do not make you happy...I know that for sure.

I felt desperate! A good friend said to me "you are not desperate!"
Where did that lie come from? I am not desperate. Now I wonder why did I think that I was desperate. I am not desperate! Whew. I am so glad to get that over with.

Grief sucks. I hate it. It makes you feel strange and do strange things. Sometimes you think desperate thoughts but I learned that those desperate thoughts does not define me. I just let them pass on by.

I am learning so much right now. I ask God just what the hell is the Christian life all about..yeah you read that right... what the hell?

I just was in a place I did not understand. So I went out into the world and you know what? The world is a crazy place. I think that was when I realized I was not desperate. However, I did meet some desperate people.

I am in a new place. I like it. I hate it.

Decisions - No Accidents

I met someone nice.

He paid so much attention to me. I loved it. He is good looking, the nicest smile. A kind man and a Christian. Although he is a little confused, I know he knows Christ.
That was comforting. He said scary things like "I want to be married again" or I am looking for a wife. YIKES!

I was so scared too! I talked to my mama and she said do not be afraid...just go for it. But I ask how can you just be friends with someone you are sexually attracted to?

Then I decided that it was too soon to have a man in my life. The last thing I needed. I am not ready. So I pulled away.

In my heart I think it would not be fair to him to allow him into my life. One reason is that I am still grieving over my husband. Would I be substituting my feelings of grief for feelings for this man and then in turn hurt him.

I chose not to do that. I do not want to use him...or should I? Please tell me what you think? Is it too early to allow someone into your heart.

The Beach

We moved down to the beach from Atlanta 7 years ago. We were so happy. The days were just packed. We joined the gym. He really looked great. So tan and muscular. I loved his arms. So strong.

Then I noticed that Justin was not feeling well. He seemed to stay on the cusp of not feeling good. We thought allergies at first and then the different environment. You know molds are a big here.

He had no energy. His lymph glands would swell and go down. The doctor checked and took x-rays and said allergies.

Going from a busy life to one where we did not have to go to work; we both thought maybe he was just bored. So he got a part time job at The Home Depot. He worked 3 days a week and seemed to enjoy it. I went to work 2 days a week and I really enjoyed it. Then he got where he was complaining about not feeling good. He never complained. He was a very strong man.

The type of Cancer he had was a very slow growing hard to detect throat cancer and by the time we did find out that he had Cancer it had already spread to his lymph glands and to his spine. He went through terrible emergency radiation on his spine to stop the tumor from pushing into his spinal cord. The danger was that area of the spinal cord controlled his upper respiratory system as well as his right arm. The goal was to shrink the tumor and stop it's growth and then remove the tumor.

My husband is the bravest man I have ever known. I loved him so much. You know what?...I know without a doubt he loved me too. For that I am so grateful.

I thank God for the privilege of being his wife and to have the wonderful opportunity to be his caretaker and friend and lover. I miss him so much.

I know he would want me to go on with my life. But it is just too damn hard. I do not know how. Does anyone know how?

Everything I thought and breathed and ate revolved around taking care of him and making him comfortable. It is hard to stop that all of a sudden.

Death is awful.

I am comforted knowing that he is in heaven. I miss him and I do not like this place I am in...single. I like being married.

We talked about me dating and getting married again. He said he wanted me to..that would be a compliment to him. He said he does not want me to be alone. So unselfish. That is the kind of wonderful man I was married to...

But I think they are so many men and women out there who are going through this...and sometimes I wonder is it worth it to allow someone else into your heart.

How do you live your life now? What are the answers for me and where do I find them? Just what is the Christian life really all about?

Oh I have many more questions. So today I thought I would go back to the beach and just walk. I cried most of the walk over...then I got sunscreen in my eyes and by the time I got over there I looked like a raccoon. It is okay to laugh here...Back to life.

Rachael is coming to see me...

Summer is here. I am having lots of company and meeting new friends.

Someone asked me are you ready to date? I am. I am so lonesome. Lonesome for a person to talk to that cares about me. A person who shares intimate conversations with... A man friend that likes to go to church and meet new people. One that is friendly and likes conversation. Someone that will go to see girlie flicks and I in turn would go see manly man flicks...

I am not ready to be married or in a serious relationship. So ..I ask is it okay to have a male friend? I am going into 8 months without my husband who I miss so much. I love him. Just because I am ready to date does not mean I do not love my husband.

We talked about that long before he died. He wanted me to go out and have fun. Not sit here and feel sorry for myself.

Which I do several times a week...feel sorry for myself.

I have had such good care from my church family...I seem to fit into all different groups of friends. I am most grateful for that. My gym friends make up the slack...

Now my sweet granddaughter is on her way..."Mema" she texted..if I had some gas money I would come to see you."
So what am I to do with that?

Well, I slid a little gas money into her checking account. I am excited she is coming. I will love her being here.

My preacher said for the next few months I am to read my bible daily...exercise and eat right and involve yourself with friends and family. Do not make any major decisions...like moving. Selling any property.

I have slowly over the last several months cleaned out his closet and gave away his clothes. Sold his truck. Cleaned the storage unit out...why did we keep that thing for 7 years. Nothing in there was worth the $6,000 we spent.

This past week I and a dear friend, Janet, took the wallpaper down in the kitchen. I am re-painting and adding new hardware.

Making a new life.

Spending time with friends. Going on a bike ride in Vermont for the "Three Rivers Tour" in September and dreading the holiday season.


I still have "Grief Bursts" I just start crying. I start thinking about my sweet man and wonder how did it happen so fast. I love him and miss him so much.

"Busy-ness" helps. So I try to stay real busy...and look forward to meeting new people and friends.
Tonight I am eating dinner with Helen who just lost a brother. I am so sad for her. She has no church family.
But, for now, Rachael is coming; my little "Alabama Sophmore" who I am so proud of - she is coming to see me. Smile here!

SUPPORT ARIZONA

Today I heard the ACLU has put out a travel alert for ARIZONA. I say we all should plan a vacation to go to Arizona in support.
What do you think?

JUST STUFF

My children left today. The house is a mess. The floors are full of sand and the sheets and towels are piled up in front of the washer. I LOVE IT.
We had so much fun. From making watermelon pickles to swimming and going to the beach. My daughter Krystal is so wonderful. Her husband, Jeff, loved the leather coats and all of Justin's clothes. He piled his big Lexus SUV high with all the clothes. He looked like he was moving.

I am so happy he wanted them and could wear them. I will be so busy cleaning the next few days. YEAH! This helps me... to stay busy...

but this morning I sat on the porch and watched them drive away...

I started thinking about my husbands sweet kisses. I was always amazed at how sweet his kisses were. He never seemed to have that nasty morning breath.
I loved his kisses...I miss him so much today.

GRIEF SUCKS

I feel an overwhelmingly sadness today.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Is this grief?

My daughter, Krystal and her husband Jeff are here for a few days. So is my precious grandson T.J. I miss rachael my 20 year old granddaughter!
...I love them so much and see them growing up so fast. TJ is so tall for almost 12.

BUT!
I am sad!

Where is my sadness coming from? I should be happy while my kids are here. I am usually feeling up and good.

My children have gone to play tennis with friends in Destin and I am here while TJ is sleeping.

My good friend Ruth Ann gave us some jars for our watermelon pickles and some fresh watermelon rinds and another good friend has ask us all over for lunch tomorrow...so I am asking myself and God, why am I so sad?
Is this part of the grieving process?
Is this just life?
I have been so busy the last few weeks with friends and exercising... Riding my bike, going to the gym to work out...but now at 100 degrees outside !

Grief is so strange.
Everyone says to wait a year before you make any decisions about anything major. That is so funny to me because all of my decisions are major to me.

I wonder if I will be married again. Will that special someone come along and knock me off my feet? Should I even think about that at this stage?

I am so lonesome.
I miss my husband so much. Sunday, after work, I wanted to tell him some news about Pier Park, one of the stores is closing. News that he would want to know, silly things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things ,you know just tidbits of news... it ran though my mind to tell him when I got home.
I realized real quick that he is no longer here.

It is so interesting how important it is to have someone to share your news with...just little "tidbits" to share with someone that cares about the same things you do is so important!
Do you know what I mean?
Am I just lonesome for that? Someone that cares. Can someone take his place?

That really made me sad.

I wear his shirts. I love his seersucker shirts. I was going to give them to Jeff but I am keeping them for now. I wear them over my bathing suit and sometimes when I am here alone in the evening I put one on after my bath and sleep in it.

Is that normal?

He loved those shirts last summer. He had to start wearing button up shirts because of his arm hurting so bad. He could not raise it up to slip a t-shirt over his head. I had to cut the last one he wore off because of the pain he felt when raising his arms. We thought it was a temporary thing.

Just last summer we would get up, for breafast, I would feed him through the tube in his stomach and we would get dressed. Sometimes I had to bathe him because he was not able to bathe himself. Then we would go for radiation every day and on Tuesdays we would go for Chemo.
Such a short time ago...I will say that was the closest time for our married life. I loved being with him.
He was so wonderful to me.

It was very hard at first. He did not want any sympathy from anyone and did not want visitors or company for even me. It was very hard. I had a huge knot in my throat most of the time. Then as time went on I saw remarkable changes in him. He started praying with me and we both saw the blessings of the Lord in our everyday life.
I really felt God's love and tender mercies and so did he.

He was so easy going. Never complained.

Here I am complaining to God about my life and look at all he went through. I am ashamed.
I confess my whinning and complaining as sin. I want to live that surrendered life to the Lord.

Grief does suck! It makes you run from pillar to post so you do not have to face it. It makes you cry at wierd times. It makes you feel and act needy.
It makes you ashamed. It is embarassing too, when you start crying in public.

Grief makes you want to avoid the effects of being alone and you look to others for your happiness when all alone you know only God can make you happy.

I miss my husband

I had a dream about my husband. He was in a bedroom taking clothes out of the closet. The bedroom was not one that recognized but I knew it was in the house we lived in when we were first married. He was dividing the clothes into piles. One to throw away and one to give away. I hugged him and looked at his face tears was streaming down and his lips were quivering. I said
"Honey, you need to ask the LORD what to do"...he shook his head in agreement. I hugged him again and could feel the wires in his back.

I woke up and cried all day. I am so sorry that he had to suffer. I am so sorry that he did not get to live longer. I am so sorry that he had pain. I wish we had talked more. I love him. I miss him.

Saturdays and Sundays

I rode my bike this beautiful evening.

My beautiful pink bike given to me by my husband for my birthday three years ago.

I am so lonely for him.

Weekends are so hard.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, I am so grateful for my mama. She too, is a widow. Two times. She said to me if I can do it so can you. It will get easier.
She is so wise.

I am so grateful to God for my blessed mama. She is the Proverbs 31 woman.

Gratefulness is such a large part of grieving. It really helps.

I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to share in my husbands life. I am so grateful that he chose me to be his wife.

When we use to argue I would always remind him of that fact. "After all, I would say to him, you are the one that chose me". He would laugh.

Thank you LORD for those happy memories. The laughter and the fun shared with my husband.

Widow Speaks

I lost my husband December 30,2009. He was only 61.

He was one of the bravest men I have ever seen. He also was the kindest man.

He was full of gratefulness. He always said thank you and he never complained.

I love him.

I miss him so much.

He had cancer of the throat and spine. So awful. So scary.

We knew our lives would never be the same.

He was so wonderful.

I never dreamed he would die first. He was sick a year. But after the diagnosis he lived eight months... chemo, radiation and 7 surgeries could not save him.

We grew so close this last year and I would not trade this time for anything or anybody. We really loved each other. I am so grateful for our time together.

I am so grateful for the privilege of having the opportunity to care for him. When he would say "thank you" I would say to him " it is my pleasure". I meant it.

If I get this dreaded disease and diagnosed with stage 4b Cancer, I know that there will be no treatment for me. I am not strong and brave.

Justin was so strong and full of courage. He never gave up hope.

He quoted John Wayne from one of his cowboy movies..."Courage is being afraid but you saddle up anyway".

Justin is my hero.

Now it has been 18 weeks. I wake up every morning thinking about him. The thoughts sometimes awful. Sometimes good.

Sometimes I have to say to myself, shut up..."could've would've should've...stop it! You did all you could do with the knowledge you had then. So let it go".

I know he would not want me sitting around so I am trying to stay busy and healthy.

I joined the gym again after 1 year of not exercising.

Today was Power YOGA! I realized I had no power. WHEW!

Thank goodness I have lots of girlfriends and some couple friends are including me for lunch and dinners.

I am trying to have people, couples and just women ( last Sunday's lunch was for just Widows) over for dinner and luncheon.

Now I have decided to work for a few months. Just one day a week, Sunday after church. Just for a few hours a week so I can have some other outlet.

I have planted my spring and summer container garden. I must say everything looks nice...on the outside. But I still have things to give away and cleaning out.

This is so hard. I have to learn to do things by myself. I want to go to a movie but I have no one to go with me. Do I go by myself? Would you?

Everyone says to wait a year to make any changes. Are you?

I will admit I am afraid. Not of being by myself. I am afraid of finances. I am afraid of spending. I get scared when I hear bad news about the stock market, the gulf waters, whats going to happen to me?

When you are 62 and 1/2 it is very scary.

Silly me. What good does worrying do? Does anyone else have this problem?

What a great community I live in....

I am so blessed. I have to write how the LORD is taking such good care of me. Thank you God.

He is so good to me. He is my husband, my maker whose name is the LORD of hosts, And He is my redeemer and is called the GOD of all the earth. So amazing! All the wonderful things HE is doing for me.

I am celebrating my community and how God is putting people in my life from cooking great meals for me that stretch out to 2 to 3 meals to taking me out to eat...so amazing. Ruth Ann to Shelia to Nancy to Ruthie...to Joan to neighbors. So unbelievable. I am not surprised but stand in awe at my Savior.

If you do not know HIM or have a personal relationship with HIM I am so sorry because you can...so easy. You see it is not about me. It is all about HIM. It is not what I am doing or have not done. You see, that is why God calls our salvation the gift of God. The gift of HIS only son. And guess what? I think HE is coming back soon to get HIS church.

Believe on the LORD JESUS CHRIST thou shalt be saved. THATS IT! So easy.

Acts:16:31

I miss my husband and grieve for him all the time. I am so aware that he is gone.

I know it will get better but this is so hard. If you are reading this I request your prayers.

PJ Parrish - THE Little Death - Recommend.

I recently had the privilege of meeting one half of P.J. Parrish - Kristy Montee.

She was a featured speaker at our Emerald Coast Writers Association. She is a great speaker with an uncanny ability to capture the attention of the audience. She is funny and relaxed on stage. I liked her.

I think that these two sisters are extremely smart to be able to collaborate as if they are one. How hard is that!

We had several published authors attending out meeting. Now I am anxious to read them all.

This was my first time so I was a little overwhelmed. But I made some great friends.

I just completed P.J. Parrish "THE LITTLE DEATH".

While it was a little hard to get into (maybe it's just me) This turned into an excellent plot and story for the Detective Louis Kincaid.

However, I had to keep looking to see what year this book was written. The pocketbook edition is dated March 2010. The characters did not have cell phones or use computers or GPS, which made it a little frustrating for me the reader.

It turned into an unexpected action packed book with a surprise twist of events. It is a good book for the beach.

Are you one of them? What happen to them?

Matthew 27:52 And the tombs were opened and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised.

Matthew 27:53 and coming out of the tombs after HIS resurrection they entered the Holy City and appeared to many.

Did these people look like ZOMBIES? Did the city folks go into a frenzy?

What would you have done? Become a believer.

What happen to these people that were raised from the dead?

Imagine this happening today. A tomb opens and the dead person walking around into your city.

Did they talk? Did they die again? Did they ascend with Jesus?

Are they still here? Are they walking around now in today's time. YIKES!

Could this be a book?

Sometimes I think that some of my friends are angels! But then scripture never portrays an angel as a woman. These beings are always mentioned in the male gender.

Maybe some of my wonderful loving friends are these people that are mentioned .

However, the scripture does say SAINTS.

We all know a saint is a believer. They either believed He was coming or that He did come...Based on who Christ is and what HE is doing and done...not on our works...well you know...

but Saints... Like Nancy, Shelia, Joan, Ruth Ann and Ruthie or maybe my 83 year old mama or my sister Connie - could it be that they are one of those saints that were raised and walked into the Holy city...with Jesus? Then there is Christy and Carlene, Krystal...hmmmm.

Does Liz have her piles?

Elizabeth Taylor is getting married again. Number 9! How old is she now? 80 or 82? Wow!

What's up with that? I saw a picture of her in a wheel chair, smiling.

I wonder where she will go for her honeymoon? I wonder if she does the do? You know S-E-X.

I am cleaning out my storage unit. I brought all the boxes of paper records home to go through and divide into piles.

Piles that can go into the garbage and piles to shred...In theses old boxes marked bank statements and tax records I found lots of letters, cards, pictures, newspaper articles and poems from long ago when I was married to Howard. I decided to make piles of stuff to save as well as the other two piles.

My dining room is a mess.

It was fun reading about how much Howard loved me, poems and cards and letters from Krystal, Jatha and Karin Twila Slaughter. I wondered if I could put Karin's letters on E-Bay and sell them and make any money.

Would that be wrong?

Then I found letters and stuff from Justin. It has been 16 weeks since he died. I miss him so much. I cried a lot today.

A whole lot of shredding going on with bank statements and checks but these wonderful memories I will hold onto again.

As I sift through these boxes of old and dusty papers, I am so happy that I saved them.

I have separated into piles all my husbands and boyfriends. Let's see there was Tony, Howard, Justin and some old stuff from Ray. (Boy I am so glad I did not marry him!) I will hold onto those as well....But Piles and piles of stuff? Just stuff.

I will save them again and hope that my children, or their children, will enjoy reading them.

I wonder if Liz has piles too? If I could talk to her I would say take lots of pictures and write lots of memories for the day, Liz, so in 15 years you too, can go through your old piles of husbands and boyfriends.

Spin the Wheel - Go For It!

Americans are great. We are raised on instant gratification and the optimism that everything is going to work out. I believe that. If you don't, then you are UN-AMERICAN!

Karin Slaughter, Lee Child, PJ Parrish

Book reviews Coming....

FIGHT TERROR SUPPORT ISRAEL

Searching For Solutions?

Today I learned from scripture and some research that it will not be long before Jesus makes His appearing. You can look up red face heifer and the temple institute.

However the resurrection of Jesus insures me an exit from the Anti Christ.

Our country's sovereignty and constitution is being stripped away by our leaders in

government. A global economy. The institute of a integrated system of financial technical mechanism.

Our president is facilitating a one world government. It will come to pass that we will be called citizens of the world.

Not me, my citizenship is in heaven. I hope your is too!

The temple is going to be re-built. All is in place.

Emerald Coast Writers Association

WOW! What a great weekend. Met some great people and shared some great conversations with published authors, agents and novice writers like me.

My mama, The Margaret Sutherland, was a hit and made new friends. She is the best writer in our family. The genius behind all of her children. Everyone loved her stories, and hoped she would continue her writing. She had a great time for an 83 year old chick.