Widow Speaks

I lost my husband December 30,2009. He was only 61.

He was one of the bravest men I have ever seen. He also was the kindest man.

He was full of gratefulness. He always said thank you and he never complained.

I love him.

I miss him so much.

He had cancer of the throat and spine. So awful. So scary.

We knew our lives would never be the same.

He was so wonderful.

I never dreamed he would die first. He was sick a year. But after the diagnosis he lived eight months... chemo, radiation and 7 surgeries could not save him.

We grew so close this last year and I would not trade this time for anything or anybody. We really loved each other. I am so grateful for our time together.

I am so grateful for the privilege of having the opportunity to care for him. When he would say "thank you" I would say to him " it is my pleasure". I meant it.

If I get this dreaded disease and diagnosed with stage 4b Cancer, I know that there will be no treatment for me. I am not strong and brave.

Justin was so strong and full of courage. He never gave up hope.

He quoted John Wayne from one of his cowboy movies..."Courage is being afraid but you saddle up anyway".

Justin is my hero.

Now it has been 18 weeks. I wake up every morning thinking about him. The thoughts sometimes awful. Sometimes good.

Sometimes I have to say to myself, shut up..."could've would've should've...stop it! You did all you could do with the knowledge you had then. So let it go".

I know he would not want me sitting around so I am trying to stay busy and healthy.

I joined the gym again after 1 year of not exercising.

Today was Power YOGA! I realized I had no power. WHEW!

Thank goodness I have lots of girlfriends and some couple friends are including me for lunch and dinners.

I am trying to have people, couples and just women ( last Sunday's lunch was for just Widows) over for dinner and luncheon.

Now I have decided to work for a few months. Just one day a week, Sunday after church. Just for a few hours a week so I can have some other outlet.

I have planted my spring and summer container garden. I must say everything looks nice...on the outside. But I still have things to give away and cleaning out.

This is so hard. I have to learn to do things by myself. I want to go to a movie but I have no one to go with me. Do I go by myself? Would you?

Everyone says to wait a year to make any changes. Are you?

I will admit I am afraid. Not of being by myself. I am afraid of finances. I am afraid of spending. I get scared when I hear bad news about the stock market, the gulf waters, whats going to happen to me?

When you are 62 and 1/2 it is very scary.

Silly me. What good does worrying do? Does anyone else have this problem?