The Beach

We moved down to the beach from Atlanta 7 years ago. We were so happy. The days were just packed. We joined the gym. He really looked great. So tan and muscular. I loved his arms. So strong.

Then I noticed that Justin was not feeling well. He seemed to stay on the cusp of not feeling good. We thought allergies at first and then the different environment. You know molds are a big here.

He had no energy. His lymph glands would swell and go down. The doctor checked and took x-rays and said allergies.

Going from a busy life to one where we did not have to go to work; we both thought maybe he was just bored. So he got a part time job at The Home Depot. He worked 3 days a week and seemed to enjoy it. I went to work 2 days a week and I really enjoyed it. Then he got where he was complaining about not feeling good. He never complained. He was a very strong man.

The type of Cancer he had was a very slow growing hard to detect throat cancer and by the time we did find out that he had Cancer it had already spread to his lymph glands and to his spine. He went through terrible emergency radiation on his spine to stop the tumor from pushing into his spinal cord. The danger was that area of the spinal cord controlled his upper respiratory system as well as his right arm. The goal was to shrink the tumor and stop it's growth and then remove the tumor.

My husband is the bravest man I have ever known. I loved him so much. You know what?...I know without a doubt he loved me too. For that I am so grateful.

I thank God for the privilege of being his wife and to have the wonderful opportunity to be his caretaker and friend and lover. I miss him so much.

I know he would want me to go on with my life. But it is just too damn hard. I do not know how. Does anyone know how?

Everything I thought and breathed and ate revolved around taking care of him and making him comfortable. It is hard to stop that all of a sudden.

Death is awful.

I am comforted knowing that he is in heaven. I miss him and I do not like this place I am in...single. I like being married.

We talked about me dating and getting married again. He said he wanted me to..that would be a compliment to him. He said he does not want me to be alone. So unselfish. That is the kind of wonderful man I was married to...

But I think they are so many men and women out there who are going through this...and sometimes I wonder is it worth it to allow someone else into your heart.

How do you live your life now? What are the answers for me and where do I find them? Just what is the Christian life really all about?

Oh I have many more questions. So today I thought I would go back to the beach and just walk. I cried most of the walk over...then I got sunscreen in my eyes and by the time I got over there I looked like a raccoon. It is okay to laugh here...Back to life.

Rachael is coming to see me...

Summer is here. I am having lots of company and meeting new friends.

Someone asked me are you ready to date? I am. I am so lonesome. Lonesome for a person to talk to that cares about me. A person who shares intimate conversations with... A man friend that likes to go to church and meet new people. One that is friendly and likes conversation. Someone that will go to see girlie flicks and I in turn would go see manly man flicks...

I am not ready to be married or in a serious relationship. So ..I ask is it okay to have a male friend? I am going into 8 months without my husband who I miss so much. I love him. Just because I am ready to date does not mean I do not love my husband.

We talked about that long before he died. He wanted me to go out and have fun. Not sit here and feel sorry for myself.

Which I do several times a week...feel sorry for myself.

I have had such good care from my church family...I seem to fit into all different groups of friends. I am most grateful for that. My gym friends make up the slack...

Now my sweet granddaughter is on her way..."Mema" she texted..if I had some gas money I would come to see you."
So what am I to do with that?

Well, I slid a little gas money into her checking account. I am excited she is coming. I will love her being here.

My preacher said for the next few months I am to read my bible daily...exercise and eat right and involve yourself with friends and family. Do not make any major decisions...like moving. Selling any property.

I have slowly over the last several months cleaned out his closet and gave away his clothes. Sold his truck. Cleaned the storage unit out...why did we keep that thing for 7 years. Nothing in there was worth the $6,000 we spent.

This past week I and a dear friend, Janet, took the wallpaper down in the kitchen. I am re-painting and adding new hardware.

Making a new life.

Spending time with friends. Going on a bike ride in Vermont for the "Three Rivers Tour" in September and dreading the holiday season.


I still have "Grief Bursts" I just start crying. I start thinking about my sweet man and wonder how did it happen so fast. I love him and miss him so much.

"Busy-ness" helps. So I try to stay real busy...and look forward to meeting new people and friends.
Tonight I am eating dinner with Helen who just lost a brother. I am so sad for her. She has no church family.
But, for now, Rachael is coming; my little "Alabama Sophmore" who I am so proud of - she is coming to see me. Smile here!

SUPPORT ARIZONA

Today I heard the ACLU has put out a travel alert for ARIZONA. I say we all should plan a vacation to go to Arizona in support.
What do you think?