The Beach

We moved down to the beach from Atlanta 7 years ago. We were so happy. The days were just packed. We joined the gym. He really looked great. So tan and muscular. I loved his arms. So strong.

Then I noticed that Justin was not feeling well. He seemed to stay on the cusp of not feeling good. We thought allergies at first and then the different environment. You know molds are a big here.

He had no energy. His lymph glands would swell and go down. The doctor checked and took x-rays and said allergies.

Going from a busy life to one where we did not have to go to work; we both thought maybe he was just bored. So he got a part time job at The Home Depot. He worked 3 days a week and seemed to enjoy it. I went to work 2 days a week and I really enjoyed it. Then he got where he was complaining about not feeling good. He never complained. He was a very strong man.

The type of Cancer he had was a very slow growing hard to detect throat cancer and by the time we did find out that he had Cancer it had already spread to his lymph glands and to his spine. He went through terrible emergency radiation on his spine to stop the tumor from pushing into his spinal cord. The danger was that area of the spinal cord controlled his upper respiratory system as well as his right arm. The goal was to shrink the tumor and stop it's growth and then remove the tumor.

My husband is the bravest man I have ever known. I loved him so much. You know what?...I know without a doubt he loved me too. For that I am so grateful.

I thank God for the privilege of being his wife and to have the wonderful opportunity to be his caretaker and friend and lover. I miss him so much.

I know he would want me to go on with my life. But it is just too damn hard. I do not know how. Does anyone know how?

Everything I thought and breathed and ate revolved around taking care of him and making him comfortable. It is hard to stop that all of a sudden.

Death is awful.

I am comforted knowing that he is in heaven. I miss him and I do not like this place I am in...single. I like being married.

We talked about me dating and getting married again. He said he wanted me to..that would be a compliment to him. He said he does not want me to be alone. So unselfish. That is the kind of wonderful man I was married to...

But I think they are so many men and women out there who are going through this...and sometimes I wonder is it worth it to allow someone else into your heart.

How do you live your life now? What are the answers for me and where do I find them? Just what is the Christian life really all about?

Oh I have many more questions. So today I thought I would go back to the beach and just walk. I cried most of the walk over...then I got sunscreen in my eyes and by the time I got over there I looked like a raccoon. It is okay to laugh here...Back to life.