My children left today. The house is a mess. The floors are full of sand and the sheets and towels are piled up in front of the washer. I LOVE IT.
We had so much fun. From making watermelon pickles to swimming and going to the beach. My daughter Krystal is so wonderful. Her husband, Jeff, loved the leather coats and all of Justin's clothes. He piled his big Lexus SUV high with all the clothes. He looked like he was moving.
I am so happy he wanted them and could wear them. I will be so busy cleaning the next few days. YEAH! This helps me... to stay busy...
but this morning I sat on the porch and watched them drive away...
I started thinking about my husbands sweet kisses. I was always amazed at how sweet his kisses were. He never seemed to have that nasty morning breath.
I loved his kisses...I miss him so much today.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
GRIEF SUCKS
I feel an overwhelmingly sadness today.
Am I feeling sorry for myself?
Is this grief?
My daughter, Krystal and her husband Jeff are here for a few days. So is my precious grandson T.J. I miss rachael my 20 year old granddaughter!
...I love them so much and see them growing up so fast. TJ is so tall for almost 12.
BUT!
I am sad!
Where is my sadness coming from? I should be happy while my kids are here. I am usually feeling up and good.
My children have gone to play tennis with friends in Destin and I am here while TJ is sleeping.
My good friend Ruth Ann gave us some jars for our watermelon pickles and some fresh watermelon rinds and another good friend has ask us all over for lunch tomorrow...so I am asking myself and God, why am I so sad?
Is this part of the grieving process?
Is this just life?
I have been so busy the last few weeks with friends and exercising... Riding my bike, going to the gym to work out...but now at 100 degrees outside !
Grief is so strange.
Everyone says to wait a year before you make any decisions about anything major. That is so funny to me because all of my decisions are major to me.
I wonder if I will be married again. Will that special someone come along and knock me off my feet? Should I even think about that at this stage?
I am so lonesome.
I miss my husband so much. Sunday, after work, I wanted to tell him some news about Pier Park, one of the stores is closing. News that he would want to know, silly things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things ,you know just tidbits of news... it ran though my mind to tell him when I got home.
I realized real quick that he is no longer here.
It is so interesting how important it is to have someone to share your news with...just little "tidbits" to share with someone that cares about the same things you do is so important!
Do you know what I mean?
Am I just lonesome for that? Someone that cares. Can someone take his place?
That really made me sad.
I wear his shirts. I love his seersucker shirts. I was going to give them to Jeff but I am keeping them for now. I wear them over my bathing suit and sometimes when I am here alone in the evening I put one on after my bath and sleep in it.
Is that normal?
He loved those shirts last summer. He had to start wearing button up shirts because of his arm hurting so bad. He could not raise it up to slip a t-shirt over his head. I had to cut the last one he wore off because of the pain he felt when raising his arms. We thought it was a temporary thing.
Just last summer we would get up, for breafast, I would feed him through the tube in his stomach and we would get dressed. Sometimes I had to bathe him because he was not able to bathe himself. Then we would go for radiation every day and on Tuesdays we would go for Chemo.
Such a short time ago...I will say that was the closest time for our married life. I loved being with him.
He was so wonderful to me.
It was very hard at first. He did not want any sympathy from anyone and did not want visitors or company for even me. It was very hard. I had a huge knot in my throat most of the time. Then as time went on I saw remarkable changes in him. He started praying with me and we both saw the blessings of the Lord in our everyday life.
I really felt God's love and tender mercies and so did he.
He was so easy going. Never complained.
Here I am complaining to God about my life and look at all he went through. I am ashamed.
I confess my whinning and complaining as sin. I want to live that surrendered life to the Lord.
Grief does suck! It makes you run from pillar to post so you do not have to face it. It makes you cry at wierd times. It makes you feel and act needy.
It makes you ashamed. It is embarassing too, when you start crying in public.
Grief makes you want to avoid the effects of being alone and you look to others for your happiness when all alone you know only God can make you happy.
Am I feeling sorry for myself?
Is this grief?
My daughter, Krystal and her husband Jeff are here for a few days. So is my precious grandson T.J. I miss rachael my 20 year old granddaughter!
...I love them so much and see them growing up so fast. TJ is so tall for almost 12.
BUT!
I am sad!
Where is my sadness coming from? I should be happy while my kids are here. I am usually feeling up and good.
My children have gone to play tennis with friends in Destin and I am here while TJ is sleeping.
My good friend Ruth Ann gave us some jars for our watermelon pickles and some fresh watermelon rinds and another good friend has ask us all over for lunch tomorrow...so I am asking myself and God, why am I so sad?
Is this part of the grieving process?
Is this just life?
I have been so busy the last few weeks with friends and exercising... Riding my bike, going to the gym to work out...but now at 100 degrees outside !
Grief is so strange.
Everyone says to wait a year before you make any decisions about anything major. That is so funny to me because all of my decisions are major to me.
I wonder if I will be married again. Will that special someone come along and knock me off my feet? Should I even think about that at this stage?
I am so lonesome.
I miss my husband so much. Sunday, after work, I wanted to tell him some news about Pier Park, one of the stores is closing. News that he would want to know, silly things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things ,you know just tidbits of news... it ran though my mind to tell him when I got home.
I realized real quick that he is no longer here.
It is so interesting how important it is to have someone to share your news with...just little "tidbits" to share with someone that cares about the same things you do is so important!
Do you know what I mean?
Am I just lonesome for that? Someone that cares. Can someone take his place?
That really made me sad.
I wear his shirts. I love his seersucker shirts. I was going to give them to Jeff but I am keeping them for now. I wear them over my bathing suit and sometimes when I am here alone in the evening I put one on after my bath and sleep in it.
Is that normal?
He loved those shirts last summer. He had to start wearing button up shirts because of his arm hurting so bad. He could not raise it up to slip a t-shirt over his head. I had to cut the last one he wore off because of the pain he felt when raising his arms. We thought it was a temporary thing.
Just last summer we would get up, for breafast, I would feed him through the tube in his stomach and we would get dressed. Sometimes I had to bathe him because he was not able to bathe himself. Then we would go for radiation every day and on Tuesdays we would go for Chemo.
Such a short time ago...I will say that was the closest time for our married life. I loved being with him.
He was so wonderful to me.
It was very hard at first. He did not want any sympathy from anyone and did not want visitors or company for even me. It was very hard. I had a huge knot in my throat most of the time. Then as time went on I saw remarkable changes in him. He started praying with me and we both saw the blessings of the Lord in our everyday life.
I really felt God's love and tender mercies and so did he.
He was so easy going. Never complained.
Here I am complaining to God about my life and look at all he went through. I am ashamed.
I confess my whinning and complaining as sin. I want to live that surrendered life to the Lord.
Grief does suck! It makes you run from pillar to post so you do not have to face it. It makes you cry at wierd times. It makes you feel and act needy.
It makes you ashamed. It is embarassing too, when you start crying in public.
Grief makes you want to avoid the effects of being alone and you look to others for your happiness when all alone you know only God can make you happy.
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