Eat - Play and Love...NOT PRAY!

Okay I changed it. It was EAT PRAY LOVE...but I got the praying down pat! I am not searching for GOD. I know HIM and I know HE knows me. What a peaceful and restful feeling to know! I am most grateful for that. Thank you Jesus.

So now EAT - eat what. I do not want to gain ten pounds like JR supposedly did in the movie. But I can try different foods. YUM! But where? With whom? I need a eating buddy.
It seems I am searching for something. Is it me? Who am I now? I use to be a wife. I use to be comforted in the fact that my husband loved me and knew everything about me. He took such good care of me...spiritually, mentally and physically. He cared about every area of my life. My children, my family. He loved them.
He appreciated them. I miss him so..He is gone.

Now what?

What do I do?

Who am I?

Where do I go from here?

I looked at a few dating sites. Have these men forgotten about grooming?
My daughter says do not sign up you are not desperate. No, I am not desperate. I know that. But something is missing.
I would love to have a running buddy without the kissing and stuff. How do you find that?
I am 62. That seems so old. YIKES! 62. But I do not feel old. I look at my girldfriends that are single and most are younger. I feel their age. 55 or 56!
I wonder what does people see when they look at me? Do they see a silly old woman on the prowl? I am not on the prowl.

So I asked God today, without conditions from me...what is it that you would have me do the rest of my life? Where is it YOU want me? Is it being single? I am really not interested in being married again. Not really.
I am such a flirt and sometimes I can look back and see how Justin calmed me down when we met.
Is this anxiousness?
I am faithfully going to the gym, eating right and resting good. Those are the three things my pastor told me to do when Justin first died.
I am surrounded by a wonderful group of Christian friends, gym friends and neighbors that love me and only want what is best for me...that is a wonderful feeling.

I have a five day bike riding trip planned for the fall and I am really pushing to get in shape for that and love it. Going to Vermont for the "Three Rivers Bike Tour". How exciting for me! ...then oh no! see, I am already thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, seasons....without Justin who loved those times of year much more than I ever did. I need to do different things...but now what?

Make a list. A lists of new and different things...new standards for a dating life.
Family is still here, include them. Make a lists of activites that I can do to help someone else. Okay that sounds good. I will go make my lists and if you can think of any things to add to my lists then please do so...right here.

Going back

Next week I will go to see my precious mama. She is a wonderful strong woman even at 83 years old.

We never had it easy growing up but my mama is a very strong woman who loves her four daughters very much. I know without at doubt my mama loves me. Blessings. So many blessings.

She not only told me about the love of God and what He did for me but she also showed me the love for God in her actions and attitudes toward others. So I am very fortunate to have experienced the love of God and the love for God through my mama.

She is definitively the Proverbs 31 woman. That is the type of woman I want to be.

She is funny and very smart. I am excited about seeing her and spending the day with her.

I will also go to see Justin's grave. I have to see the marker yet. He is buried in Canton, GA. I am sad to think about going but I feel I must. It is time.
If it was not for seeing my mama and daughter and my precious grandson I wonder if I would go back.

What makes some people think that because you have had a lot of material things that defines who you are? I'm just asking? Do you have the answer?

Also, what makes people judge you and think that unless you can have a lot of material things you can't be happy?

Happiness is not what you have. It is who you are with...material things do not make you happy...I know that for sure.

I felt desperate! A good friend said to me "you are not desperate!"
Where did that lie come from? I am not desperate. Now I wonder why did I think that I was desperate. I am not desperate! Whew. I am so glad to get that over with.

Grief sucks. I hate it. It makes you feel strange and do strange things. Sometimes you think desperate thoughts but I learned that those desperate thoughts does not define me. I just let them pass on by.

I am learning so much right now. I ask God just what the hell is the Christian life all about..yeah you read that right... what the hell?

I just was in a place I did not understand. So I went out into the world and you know what? The world is a crazy place. I think that was when I realized I was not desperate. However, I did meet some desperate people.

I am in a new place. I like it. I hate it.

Decisions - No Accidents

I met someone nice.

He paid so much attention to me. I loved it. He is good looking, the nicest smile. A kind man and a Christian. Although he is a little confused, I know he knows Christ.
That was comforting. He said scary things like "I want to be married again" or I am looking for a wife. YIKES!

I was so scared too! I talked to my mama and she said do not be afraid...just go for it. But I ask how can you just be friends with someone you are sexually attracted to?

Then I decided that it was too soon to have a man in my life. The last thing I needed. I am not ready. So I pulled away.

In my heart I think it would not be fair to him to allow him into my life. One reason is that I am still grieving over my husband. Would I be substituting my feelings of grief for feelings for this man and then in turn hurt him.

I chose not to do that. I do not want to use him...or should I? Please tell me what you think? Is it too early to allow someone into your heart.