GRIEF SUCKS

I feel an overwhelmingly sadness today.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Is this grief?

My daughter, Krystal and her husband Jeff are here for a few days. So is my precious grandson T.J. I miss rachael my 20 year old granddaughter!
...I love them so much and see them growing up so fast. TJ is so tall for almost 12.

BUT!
I am sad!

Where is my sadness coming from? I should be happy while my kids are here. I am usually feeling up and good.

My children have gone to play tennis with friends in Destin and I am here while TJ is sleeping.

My good friend Ruth Ann gave us some jars for our watermelon pickles and some fresh watermelon rinds and another good friend has ask us all over for lunch tomorrow...so I am asking myself and God, why am I so sad?
Is this part of the grieving process?
Is this just life?
I have been so busy the last few weeks with friends and exercising... Riding my bike, going to the gym to work out...but now at 100 degrees outside !

Grief is so strange.
Everyone says to wait a year before you make any decisions about anything major. That is so funny to me because all of my decisions are major to me.

I wonder if I will be married again. Will that special someone come along and knock me off my feet? Should I even think about that at this stage?

I am so lonesome.
I miss my husband so much. Sunday, after work, I wanted to tell him some news about Pier Park, one of the stores is closing. News that he would want to know, silly things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things ,you know just tidbits of news... it ran though my mind to tell him when I got home.
I realized real quick that he is no longer here.

It is so interesting how important it is to have someone to share your news with...just little "tidbits" to share with someone that cares about the same things you do is so important!
Do you know what I mean?
Am I just lonesome for that? Someone that cares. Can someone take his place?

That really made me sad.

I wear his shirts. I love his seersucker shirts. I was going to give them to Jeff but I am keeping them for now. I wear them over my bathing suit and sometimes when I am here alone in the evening I put one on after my bath and sleep in it.

Is that normal?

He loved those shirts last summer. He had to start wearing button up shirts because of his arm hurting so bad. He could not raise it up to slip a t-shirt over his head. I had to cut the last one he wore off because of the pain he felt when raising his arms. We thought it was a temporary thing.

Just last summer we would get up, for breafast, I would feed him through the tube in his stomach and we would get dressed. Sometimes I had to bathe him because he was not able to bathe himself. Then we would go for radiation every day and on Tuesdays we would go for Chemo.
Such a short time ago...I will say that was the closest time for our married life. I loved being with him.
He was so wonderful to me.

It was very hard at first. He did not want any sympathy from anyone and did not want visitors or company for even me. It was very hard. I had a huge knot in my throat most of the time. Then as time went on I saw remarkable changes in him. He started praying with me and we both saw the blessings of the Lord in our everyday life.
I really felt God's love and tender mercies and so did he.

He was so easy going. Never complained.

Here I am complaining to God about my life and look at all he went through. I am ashamed.
I confess my whinning and complaining as sin. I want to live that surrendered life to the Lord.

Grief does suck! It makes you run from pillar to post so you do not have to face it. It makes you cry at wierd times. It makes you feel and act needy.
It makes you ashamed. It is embarassing too, when you start crying in public.

Grief makes you want to avoid the effects of being alone and you look to others for your happiness when all alone you know only God can make you happy.

I miss my husband

I had a dream about my husband. He was in a bedroom taking clothes out of the closet. The bedroom was not one that recognized but I knew it was in the house we lived in when we were first married. He was dividing the clothes into piles. One to throw away and one to give away. I hugged him and looked at his face tears was streaming down and his lips were quivering. I said
"Honey, you need to ask the LORD what to do"...he shook his head in agreement. I hugged him again and could feel the wires in his back.

I woke up and cried all day. I am so sorry that he had to suffer. I am so sorry that he did not get to live longer. I am so sorry that he had pain. I wish we had talked more. I love him. I miss him.

Saturdays and Sundays

I rode my bike this beautiful evening.

My beautiful pink bike given to me by my husband for my birthday three years ago.

I am so lonely for him.

Weekends are so hard.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, I am so grateful for my mama. She too, is a widow. Two times. She said to me if I can do it so can you. It will get easier.
She is so wise.

I am so grateful to God for my blessed mama. She is the Proverbs 31 woman.

Gratefulness is such a large part of grieving. It really helps.

I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to share in my husbands life. I am so grateful that he chose me to be his wife.

When we use to argue I would always remind him of that fact. "After all, I would say to him, you are the one that chose me". He would laugh.

Thank you LORD for those happy memories. The laughter and the fun shared with my husband.

Widow Speaks

I lost my husband December 30,2009. He was only 61.

He was one of the bravest men I have ever seen. He also was the kindest man.

He was full of gratefulness. He always said thank you and he never complained.

I love him.

I miss him so much.

He had cancer of the throat and spine. So awful. So scary.

We knew our lives would never be the same.

He was so wonderful.

I never dreamed he would die first. He was sick a year. But after the diagnosis he lived eight months... chemo, radiation and 7 surgeries could not save him.

We grew so close this last year and I would not trade this time for anything or anybody. We really loved each other. I am so grateful for our time together.

I am so grateful for the privilege of having the opportunity to care for him. When he would say "thank you" I would say to him " it is my pleasure". I meant it.

If I get this dreaded disease and diagnosed with stage 4b Cancer, I know that there will be no treatment for me. I am not strong and brave.

Justin was so strong and full of courage. He never gave up hope.

He quoted John Wayne from one of his cowboy movies..."Courage is being afraid but you saddle up anyway".

Justin is my hero.

Now it has been 18 weeks. I wake up every morning thinking about him. The thoughts sometimes awful. Sometimes good.

Sometimes I have to say to myself, shut up..."could've would've should've...stop it! You did all you could do with the knowledge you had then. So let it go".

I know he would not want me sitting around so I am trying to stay busy and healthy.

I joined the gym again after 1 year of not exercising.

Today was Power YOGA! I realized I had no power. WHEW!

Thank goodness I have lots of girlfriends and some couple friends are including me for lunch and dinners.

I am trying to have people, couples and just women ( last Sunday's lunch was for just Widows) over for dinner and luncheon.

Now I have decided to work for a few months. Just one day a week, Sunday after church. Just for a few hours a week so I can have some other outlet.

I have planted my spring and summer container garden. I must say everything looks nice...on the outside. But I still have things to give away and cleaning out.

This is so hard. I have to learn to do things by myself. I want to go to a movie but I have no one to go with me. Do I go by myself? Would you?

Everyone says to wait a year to make any changes. Are you?

I will admit I am afraid. Not of being by myself. I am afraid of finances. I am afraid of spending. I get scared when I hear bad news about the stock market, the gulf waters, whats going to happen to me?

When you are 62 and 1/2 it is very scary.

Silly me. What good does worrying do? Does anyone else have this problem?

What a great community I live in....

I am so blessed. I have to write how the LORD is taking such good care of me. Thank you God.

He is so good to me. He is my husband, my maker whose name is the LORD of hosts, And He is my redeemer and is called the GOD of all the earth. So amazing! All the wonderful things HE is doing for me.

I am celebrating my community and how God is putting people in my life from cooking great meals for me that stretch out to 2 to 3 meals to taking me out to eat...so amazing. Ruth Ann to Shelia to Nancy to Ruthie...to Joan to neighbors. So unbelievable. I am not surprised but stand in awe at my Savior.

If you do not know HIM or have a personal relationship with HIM I am so sorry because you can...so easy. You see it is not about me. It is all about HIM. It is not what I am doing or have not done. You see, that is why God calls our salvation the gift of God. The gift of HIS only son. And guess what? I think HE is coming back soon to get HIS church.

Believe on the LORD JESUS CHRIST thou shalt be saved. THATS IT! So easy.

Acts:16:31

I miss my husband and grieve for him all the time. I am so aware that he is gone.

I know it will get better but this is so hard. If you are reading this I request your prayers.

PJ Parrish - THE Little Death - Recommend.

I recently had the privilege of meeting one half of P.J. Parrish - Kristy Montee.

She was a featured speaker at our Emerald Coast Writers Association. She is a great speaker with an uncanny ability to capture the attention of the audience. She is funny and relaxed on stage. I liked her.

I think that these two sisters are extremely smart to be able to collaborate as if they are one. How hard is that!

We had several published authors attending out meeting. Now I am anxious to read them all.

This was my first time so I was a little overwhelmed. But I made some great friends.

I just completed P.J. Parrish "THE LITTLE DEATH".

While it was a little hard to get into (maybe it's just me) This turned into an excellent plot and story for the Detective Louis Kincaid.

However, I had to keep looking to see what year this book was written. The pocketbook edition is dated March 2010. The characters did not have cell phones or use computers or GPS, which made it a little frustrating for me the reader.

It turned into an unexpected action packed book with a surprise twist of events. It is a good book for the beach.

Are you one of them? What happen to them?

Matthew 27:52 And the tombs were opened and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised.

Matthew 27:53 and coming out of the tombs after HIS resurrection they entered the Holy City and appeared to many.

Did these people look like ZOMBIES? Did the city folks go into a frenzy?

What would you have done? Become a believer.

What happen to these people that were raised from the dead?

Imagine this happening today. A tomb opens and the dead person walking around into your city.

Did they talk? Did they die again? Did they ascend with Jesus?

Are they still here? Are they walking around now in today's time. YIKES!

Could this be a book?

Sometimes I think that some of my friends are angels! But then scripture never portrays an angel as a woman. These beings are always mentioned in the male gender.

Maybe some of my wonderful loving friends are these people that are mentioned .

However, the scripture does say SAINTS.

We all know a saint is a believer. They either believed He was coming or that He did come...Based on who Christ is and what HE is doing and done...not on our works...well you know...

but Saints... Like Nancy, Shelia, Joan, Ruth Ann and Ruthie or maybe my 83 year old mama or my sister Connie - could it be that they are one of those saints that were raised and walked into the Holy city...with Jesus? Then there is Christy and Carlene, Krystal...hmmmm.