Going back

Next week I will go to see my precious mama. She is a wonderful strong woman even at 83 years old.

We never had it easy growing up but my mama is a very strong woman who loves her four daughters very much. I know without at doubt my mama loves me. Blessings. So many blessings.

She not only told me about the love of God and what He did for me but she also showed me the love for God in her actions and attitudes toward others. So I am very fortunate to have experienced the love of God and the love for God through my mama.

She is definitively the Proverbs 31 woman. That is the type of woman I want to be.

She is funny and very smart. I am excited about seeing her and spending the day with her.

I will also go to see Justin's grave. I have to see the marker yet. He is buried in Canton, GA. I am sad to think about going but I feel I must. It is time.
If it was not for seeing my mama and daughter and my precious grandson I wonder if I would go back.

What makes some people think that because you have had a lot of material things that defines who you are? I'm just asking? Do you have the answer?

Also, what makes people judge you and think that unless you can have a lot of material things you can't be happy?

Happiness is not what you have. It is who you are with...material things do not make you happy...I know that for sure.

I felt desperate! A good friend said to me "you are not desperate!"
Where did that lie come from? I am not desperate. Now I wonder why did I think that I was desperate. I am not desperate! Whew. I am so glad to get that over with.

Grief sucks. I hate it. It makes you feel strange and do strange things. Sometimes you think desperate thoughts but I learned that those desperate thoughts does not define me. I just let them pass on by.

I am learning so much right now. I ask God just what the hell is the Christian life all about..yeah you read that right... what the hell?

I just was in a place I did not understand. So I went out into the world and you know what? The world is a crazy place. I think that was when I realized I was not desperate. However, I did meet some desperate people.

I am in a new place. I like it. I hate it.

Decisions - No Accidents

I met someone nice.

He paid so much attention to me. I loved it. He is good looking, the nicest smile. A kind man and a Christian. Although he is a little confused, I know he knows Christ.
That was comforting. He said scary things like "I want to be married again" or I am looking for a wife. YIKES!

I was so scared too! I talked to my mama and she said do not be afraid...just go for it. But I ask how can you just be friends with someone you are sexually attracted to?

Then I decided that it was too soon to have a man in my life. The last thing I needed. I am not ready. So I pulled away.

In my heart I think it would not be fair to him to allow him into my life. One reason is that I am still grieving over my husband. Would I be substituting my feelings of grief for feelings for this man and then in turn hurt him.

I chose not to do that. I do not want to use him...or should I? Please tell me what you think? Is it too early to allow someone into your heart.

The Beach

We moved down to the beach from Atlanta 7 years ago. We were so happy. The days were just packed. We joined the gym. He really looked great. So tan and muscular. I loved his arms. So strong.

Then I noticed that Justin was not feeling well. He seemed to stay on the cusp of not feeling good. We thought allergies at first and then the different environment. You know molds are a big here.

He had no energy. His lymph glands would swell and go down. The doctor checked and took x-rays and said allergies.

Going from a busy life to one where we did not have to go to work; we both thought maybe he was just bored. So he got a part time job at The Home Depot. He worked 3 days a week and seemed to enjoy it. I went to work 2 days a week and I really enjoyed it. Then he got where he was complaining about not feeling good. He never complained. He was a very strong man.

The type of Cancer he had was a very slow growing hard to detect throat cancer and by the time we did find out that he had Cancer it had already spread to his lymph glands and to his spine. He went through terrible emergency radiation on his spine to stop the tumor from pushing into his spinal cord. The danger was that area of the spinal cord controlled his upper respiratory system as well as his right arm. The goal was to shrink the tumor and stop it's growth and then remove the tumor.

My husband is the bravest man I have ever known. I loved him so much. You know what?...I know without a doubt he loved me too. For that I am so grateful.

I thank God for the privilege of being his wife and to have the wonderful opportunity to be his caretaker and friend and lover. I miss him so much.

I know he would want me to go on with my life. But it is just too damn hard. I do not know how. Does anyone know how?

Everything I thought and breathed and ate revolved around taking care of him and making him comfortable. It is hard to stop that all of a sudden.

Death is awful.

I am comforted knowing that he is in heaven. I miss him and I do not like this place I am in...single. I like being married.

We talked about me dating and getting married again. He said he wanted me to..that would be a compliment to him. He said he does not want me to be alone. So unselfish. That is the kind of wonderful man I was married to...

But I think they are so many men and women out there who are going through this...and sometimes I wonder is it worth it to allow someone else into your heart.

How do you live your life now? What are the answers for me and where do I find them? Just what is the Christian life really all about?

Oh I have many more questions. So today I thought I would go back to the beach and just walk. I cried most of the walk over...then I got sunscreen in my eyes and by the time I got over there I looked like a raccoon. It is okay to laugh here...Back to life.

Rachael is coming to see me...

Summer is here. I am having lots of company and meeting new friends.

Someone asked me are you ready to date? I am. I am so lonesome. Lonesome for a person to talk to that cares about me. A person who shares intimate conversations with... A man friend that likes to go to church and meet new people. One that is friendly and likes conversation. Someone that will go to see girlie flicks and I in turn would go see manly man flicks...

I am not ready to be married or in a serious relationship. So ..I ask is it okay to have a male friend? I am going into 8 months without my husband who I miss so much. I love him. Just because I am ready to date does not mean I do not love my husband.

We talked about that long before he died. He wanted me to go out and have fun. Not sit here and feel sorry for myself.

Which I do several times a week...feel sorry for myself.

I have had such good care from my church family...I seem to fit into all different groups of friends. I am most grateful for that. My gym friends make up the slack...

Now my sweet granddaughter is on her way..."Mema" she texted..if I had some gas money I would come to see you."
So what am I to do with that?

Well, I slid a little gas money into her checking account. I am excited she is coming. I will love her being here.

My preacher said for the next few months I am to read my bible daily...exercise and eat right and involve yourself with friends and family. Do not make any major decisions...like moving. Selling any property.

I have slowly over the last several months cleaned out his closet and gave away his clothes. Sold his truck. Cleaned the storage unit out...why did we keep that thing for 7 years. Nothing in there was worth the $6,000 we spent.

This past week I and a dear friend, Janet, took the wallpaper down in the kitchen. I am re-painting and adding new hardware.

Making a new life.

Spending time with friends. Going on a bike ride in Vermont for the "Three Rivers Tour" in September and dreading the holiday season.


I still have "Grief Bursts" I just start crying. I start thinking about my sweet man and wonder how did it happen so fast. I love him and miss him so much.

"Busy-ness" helps. So I try to stay real busy...and look forward to meeting new people and friends.
Tonight I am eating dinner with Helen who just lost a brother. I am so sad for her. She has no church family.
But, for now, Rachael is coming; my little "Alabama Sophmore" who I am so proud of - she is coming to see me. Smile here!

SUPPORT ARIZONA

Today I heard the ACLU has put out a travel alert for ARIZONA. I say we all should plan a vacation to go to Arizona in support.
What do you think?

JUST STUFF

My children left today. The house is a mess. The floors are full of sand and the sheets and towels are piled up in front of the washer. I LOVE IT.
We had so much fun. From making watermelon pickles to swimming and going to the beach. My daughter Krystal is so wonderful. Her husband, Jeff, loved the leather coats and all of Justin's clothes. He piled his big Lexus SUV high with all the clothes. He looked like he was moving.

I am so happy he wanted them and could wear them. I will be so busy cleaning the next few days. YEAH! This helps me... to stay busy...

but this morning I sat on the porch and watched them drive away...

I started thinking about my husbands sweet kisses. I was always amazed at how sweet his kisses were. He never seemed to have that nasty morning breath.
I loved his kisses...I miss him so much today.

GRIEF SUCKS

I feel an overwhelmingly sadness today.

Am I feeling sorry for myself?

Is this grief?

My daughter, Krystal and her husband Jeff are here for a few days. So is my precious grandson T.J. I miss rachael my 20 year old granddaughter!
...I love them so much and see them growing up so fast. TJ is so tall for almost 12.

BUT!
I am sad!

Where is my sadness coming from? I should be happy while my kids are here. I am usually feeling up and good.

My children have gone to play tennis with friends in Destin and I am here while TJ is sleeping.

My good friend Ruth Ann gave us some jars for our watermelon pickles and some fresh watermelon rinds and another good friend has ask us all over for lunch tomorrow...so I am asking myself and God, why am I so sad?
Is this part of the grieving process?
Is this just life?
I have been so busy the last few weeks with friends and exercising... Riding my bike, going to the gym to work out...but now at 100 degrees outside !

Grief is so strange.
Everyone says to wait a year before you make any decisions about anything major. That is so funny to me because all of my decisions are major to me.

I wonder if I will be married again. Will that special someone come along and knock me off my feet? Should I even think about that at this stage?

I am so lonesome.
I miss my husband so much. Sunday, after work, I wanted to tell him some news about Pier Park, one of the stores is closing. News that he would want to know, silly things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things ,you know just tidbits of news... it ran though my mind to tell him when I got home.
I realized real quick that he is no longer here.

It is so interesting how important it is to have someone to share your news with...just little "tidbits" to share with someone that cares about the same things you do is so important!
Do you know what I mean?
Am I just lonesome for that? Someone that cares. Can someone take his place?

That really made me sad.

I wear his shirts. I love his seersucker shirts. I was going to give them to Jeff but I am keeping them for now. I wear them over my bathing suit and sometimes when I am here alone in the evening I put one on after my bath and sleep in it.

Is that normal?

He loved those shirts last summer. He had to start wearing button up shirts because of his arm hurting so bad. He could not raise it up to slip a t-shirt over his head. I had to cut the last one he wore off because of the pain he felt when raising his arms. We thought it was a temporary thing.

Just last summer we would get up, for breafast, I would feed him through the tube in his stomach and we would get dressed. Sometimes I had to bathe him because he was not able to bathe himself. Then we would go for radiation every day and on Tuesdays we would go for Chemo.
Such a short time ago...I will say that was the closest time for our married life. I loved being with him.
He was so wonderful to me.

It was very hard at first. He did not want any sympathy from anyone and did not want visitors or company for even me. It was very hard. I had a huge knot in my throat most of the time. Then as time went on I saw remarkable changes in him. He started praying with me and we both saw the blessings of the Lord in our everyday life.
I really felt God's love and tender mercies and so did he.

He was so easy going. Never complained.

Here I am complaining to God about my life and look at all he went through. I am ashamed.
I confess my whinning and complaining as sin. I want to live that surrendered life to the Lord.

Grief does suck! It makes you run from pillar to post so you do not have to face it. It makes you cry at wierd times. It makes you feel and act needy.
It makes you ashamed. It is embarassing too, when you start crying in public.

Grief makes you want to avoid the effects of being alone and you look to others for your happiness when all alone you know only God can make you happy.